P entium E rrors N ullify T ransportation of I BM's U nusable M achines P erfect E nough for N ine of T en I nstructors at the U niversity of M ontana P rocessors E stimating N umbers T hat I U se M onthly P rocessor E rrors N umbering T housands I n U sers M achines P ractically E veryone N ow T hinks I t's U seless for M ath P C E rrors N ot T rustworthy I nstead U se M acintoshes
Addition -> Ambition
Subtraction -> Distraction
Multiplication -> Uglification
Division -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER
Please update your manuals.
It was a praying mantissa. (Praying for precision, no doubt.)
"I am 99.99999512% sure PGP doesn't use any floating point calculations."
1) The error does not same dramatic effect everyone.
Individual who use the P-90 at home mainly for games may never see the
error or attribute the error to software.
And some users this bug may be a concern only periodically.
BUT others who rely on complex math and precise measurement will find
their lives a living hell with this chip.
Pentium commercial: Looking out from inside the computer, through the monitor,
at a couple using a spreadsheet for their expenses.
She: "$100 for videos!"
He: "I don't believe that!"
Well, yeah!
===============================================================================
(Re: the commercial where you "fly" into the computer via the floppy drive)
: : Better yet, put a little tag at the bottom "rendered on a Pentium(tm)"
: : and have the "viewer" crash into the disk slot instead of flying through
: : it.
: I could see a view of the processor as you fly by, and instead of 1's and 0's
: coming out of it, there would be "0.99666" "sort of 1", "close enough",
: "27", etc. coming out of it.
Maybe those little power generators or whatever you call them, weren't just an
add. Who knows, Intel's quality control checkers? :)
"If my calculations are wrong, it's because I
bought a Pentium processor.
A: Number 4.
Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A: Repentium.
Q: Please calculate 80486 - 80586. What's the answer?
A: (a) Infinity, and positive too.
A: (b) 80286.
Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to:
It can't do fractions, either.
AMD's new campaign: 99% Pentium compatible - you don't want the last 1% though.
New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside'
The 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium:
We give you the most megaflops.
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE 10. Your current computer is too accurate. 9. You want to get into the Guiness book as "Owner of Most Expensive Paperweight". 8. Math errors add zest to life. 7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 6. You want to see what all the fuss is about. 5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly. 3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating. 2. You got a great deal from JPL. 1. It'll probably work.
Here at Intel, we are very concerned with correcting the problems with the Pentium -- both with the flaw itself, and the misperceptions about it.
We would like to assure our customers that we have run extensive tests, and have found that, for the typical user doing "random" divides, the problem should hardly ever arise, and most users will not be affected by this minor flaw. However, some of you have failed to be reassured by this.
We have therefore directed our publicity department to confer with the engineers, consultants and operators who have been dealing directly with both the problem itself, and with the public, and produce a film that accurately portrays the corporate position and attitude toward the typical user, and the rigorous tests envisioned by Company executives to make sure that, when we say the typical user will not be affected, we know what we're talking about!
Our underlings have responded to this directive with amazing alacrity, and the film is ready. We hope it clears up any public misconceptions.
[cut to scene of a Pentium PC, with a monkey at the keyboard]
Andy Grove: ? Carrol O'Connor Dr. Nicely: ? Dr. Carl Sagan (billions & bilions of computations) Betty from Intel: ? Sharon Stone (good telephone voice) Director of "Intel Inside" advt. campaign: ? Harrison Ford Intel "application qualification" officer ? Al Gore (sincere, intelligent) Bill Gates: ? Bill Gates (who else?) Editor, Business Week ? Martin Scorsese (another cameo) Editor, San Jose Mercury: ? Himself Editor, New York Times tech section ? Sam Neill (Good "I'm amazed!" look [JP]) Nerd computer store salesman: ? Al Bundy Conspiracy advocating net hacker ? Oliver Stone Wise net hacker (who knows what he's doing) ? Phillipe Khan (Borland Pres.) Dumb net hacker (What's an FDIV) ? Wayne Knight (hacker from Jurassic Park) Panicky, out of control net hacker ? Kenneth Branagh (with shirt off) Young net hacker, who discovers 2 digit killer ap ? McCaully McKulkin (SP?) Lawyer for class action suit against Intel; Robert Shapiro Hugh Downs on 20/20 (expose episode) : Himself Barbara Walters on 20/20 episode: Barbra Streisand
"Intel Inside!"
Budgets sighed;
millions buyed;
RISC sales dried
like ancient bride.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!
Scientists cried,
fit to be tied,
and numbers fried.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!!
Pi's pied
when FDIV died
and accuracy denied.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?
Executives hide
from "outside"
during Intel bide
on warranty decide.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?!!
See "Thalidomide".
(Taken for a ride.)
Intel lied.
This is a news flash from the world of quantum mechanics.
A new fundamental law of the physical universe, called the "Intel uncertainty principle," has shaken the very foundations of modern physics.
Briefly, the principle works something like this. Give any floating point division x/y on an Intel Pentium chip, you can either know the exact values x and y, or you can know the exact value of the quotient x/y, but it is impossible on a Pentium to know the precise values of x, y and x/y.
A wave function Pm(x,y) - an irrational solution of the Grove equation (Andy Grove was the former president of the chip manufacturer Intel) - describes the probability of finding the correct solution.
Thus the new view modern physics is taking is that all floating point operations are probability wave functions.
Similarly, the newly discovered P.C. exclusion principle prohibits replacement chips from ever occupying the same orbital as the original chip, thus effectively making such replacement impossible.
Premise:
A series of scripts will be furnished to the customer, the purpose of which is to pass the "Intel Quiz" being administered before you can qualify for a new Pentium.
Example of response, before purchasing "Intel Quiz Prep"
INTEL: Just what is it that you do with your Pentium-based computer?
RESPONSE: Well, I'm an undergraduate in math and I have a number of
school assignments that require accurate floating point
division. Also, to pay the rent, I participate in some small
consulting contracts that require statistical analysis, use a lot of
floating point, and require extremely accurate results.
INTEL: Sorry, you don't qualify. You're not a Nobel Laureate.
After preparation with "Intel Quiz Prep", the interrogation might go like this:
INTEL: Just what is it you do with your Pentium-based computer?
RESPONSE: Well, I have a consulting contract with Exxon which involves
measuring the statistical probability that one of their tankers will
hit an iceberg. After that Valdez thing, they're pretty touchy about
this stuff. Of course, they do like to cut it pretty tight, and that's
why we use Intel processors to calculate these things.
INTEL: Your new Pentium will be FEDEXed out today.
RESPONSE: Thank you!
This is just one example.
"Intel Quiz Prep" will furnish hundreds of variations, with regular monthly updates. A couple of late-night commercials and an 800 number, and it could be a reality.
After all, there are a couple million potential customers.
*************************************************************************
Subject: Now THIS is Total Quality Management!
From an old issue of the Wall Street Journal:
BEIJING - Eighteen factory managers were executed for poor product
quality at Chien Bien Refrigerator Factory on the outskirts of the Chinese
capital. The managers - 12 men and 6 women - were taken to a rice paddy
outside the factory and unceremoniously shot to death as 500 plant workers
looked on.
Minister of Economic Reform spokesman, Xi Ten Haun, said the action was
required for committing unpardonable crimes against the people of China. He
blamed the managers for ignoring quality and forcing shoddy work, saying the
factory's output of refrigerators had a reputation for failure.
For years, factory workers complained that many component parts did not
meet specification and the end product did not function as required.
Complaining workers quoted the plant manager as saying, "Ship it."
Refrigerators are among the most sought-after consumer items in China.
Customers, who waited up to five years for their appliances, were outraged.
"It is understandable our citizens would express shock and outrage when
managers are careless in their attitudes towards the welfare of others." Haun
says. "Our soldiers are justified in wishing to bring proper justice to those
errant managers."
The executed include the plant manager, the quality manager, the
engineering managers, and their top staff.
Shooter
*************************************************************************
Keep calm everyone out there with a Boob Chip.
Assuming the errors occur somewhat randomly.. you can use it happily as the most powerful random number generator in the world today. Actually this would be a major technological breakthrough.
In the realm of Chaos Theory we find yet another very practical use for your Chip. You may wish to dedicate your Pentium to furthering research in this exciting field.
For me The Flaw has been a Godsend for my research into Erroneous Results Sciences.
Are there any of you wishing to join me in researching the accuracy and nature of totally erroneous results. I need helpers.
Bring your Pentiums with you because we're having a Great Competition in which you have to devise programs or processes that are super fast and very efficient.The Goal here: The Pentium that comes up with the wrong answer first gets to have its cooling fans torn off.
"Bridge, this is Engineering. We've got a problem down here. It's the floating-point unit. There seems to be a phase variance, perhaps as high as 1 ppm. If we don't get it under control soon, we may have to jettison the core, in which case the Romulans' PowerPC is sure to overtake us. We'll still have impulse drive, but that only supports integer arithmetic."
Can it be that the vending machine runs on a Pentium processor?
1 to hold the bulb
1 to check the answer
1 to call Intel for a replacement
1 to write a report on why they need it replaced
1 to hire an attorney
1 to get funding to pay the attorney
At a Tuesday press conference, Intel President Andy Grove said, "We find that in light of current market conditions, we need to divest our holdings while finding a vertical market for our product." The statement was apparently in reference to the retrofitting of the auto-pilot systems in all American Eagle aircraft with a new Intel system built on it's flagship Pentium processor.
Grove went on to say, "Intel and American Eagle have both been hot items in the press lately, this merger should guarntee that it stays that way!"
In apparently unrelated news 3 major insurance firms refused to provide any medical coverage to the new Intel airline employees, sighting a higher incidence of pancreatic cancer and Epstein-Barr syndrome among employees of airlines owned by computer firms. Frank Piwarski, an independent consultant to several insurance firms said, "We don't really understand it ourselves, but there's just this really supicious problem here, if you get my drift..."
There is no national debt!!! The country's books have been kept on a Pentium, and everything is really OK.
Details at 11, after Bill (that's Clinton, not Gates) gets Quicken installed on the national mac!
2 + 2 = 100 (base 2) = 11 (base 3) = 10 (base 4) = 4 (base 5 and higher) = 3.9998736 (base unit containing a Pentium)
Pentium: When you need answers fast, and you don't care if they're right!
FIR fake it and return INCE increment errors COAB carry on about bug LD FDG,m load fudge factor immediate BOCA branch on correct answer (essentially a no-op) FDIV generate random number OPD open pod bay doors
Oh yeah? Well MY SMP dual-Pentium server is so fast, it can complete an infinite loop in 13.6 seconds.
Well, MY quadruple-Pentium server can complete an infinite loop in 12.8 seconds, and that's with all 4 CPUs OUT of the sockets!
10. Dog brush
9. Hi-tech cleats
8. Hubbell telescope qualifcation testing
7. Home-grown bed-of-nails
6. Alibi for the IRS
5. Robert Shapiro's personal analysis of OJ's DNA
4. Coffee warmer (with heatsink removed)
3. Flight computer for American Airlines commuter planes
2. Coasters at AMD
1. Derivatives modeling in Orange County
Copyright (C) 1994, Cyrex Corp.
Intel (NASDAQ: INTC) today announced a 3 for 1.99994562416 stock split effective Jan 5, 1995, for stockholders of record as of Dec 9, 1994.
Although analysts were surprised about the strange ratio in the stock split, an Intel spokesman stated that "That's just the way the math worked out!"
Intel also filed a motion with the SEC requesting that it be allowed to publish it's financial reports to only 1 or 2 significant digits stating that: "There are significant efficiencies to be gained, both in the preparation and printing of financial reports. Just as taxpayers can choose to file returns using the whole dollar method, we feel we can get financial reports out much faster if we don't have to rerun all our spreadsheets through a PowerPC to verify them. Besides, most investors only care about the first 2 significant digits anyway!"
In related news, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced that its chairman, Bill Gates, had filed for personal bankruptcy after discovering that his personal net worth had been overstated by approximately $8 billion due to an undisclosed computer glitch.
Pentium = Processor Enhanced Numbering / Trial Imprecision Update Methodology